I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
