You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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