Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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