I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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