just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
