I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
