If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
