Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
