I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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