I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
