On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
