This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
