Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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