I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
