did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
