My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
