wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
