i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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