i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
