My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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