i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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