I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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