he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
