So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
