I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
