I met the friendliest cop last night
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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