...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
