my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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