remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I could make wine with my vomit
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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