I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
