If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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