cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize