Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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