I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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