I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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