I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
