Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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