Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
