Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
