So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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