I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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