I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
