thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
