Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
