He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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