I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
