Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize