Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
