If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
