we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
