Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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