I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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