so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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