some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
