Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
