1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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