There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
