plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
