my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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