i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
